


You’re not alone...

by eternallyphangirling



Category: Phandom
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, University, i don't know what tags on ao3 are i feel like they're never used right anyway..., idk which tag is more appropriate so i'll just use both..., please tell me if any tags are wrong/need to be added i do not understand ao3 as a writer...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternallyphangirling/pseuds/eternallyphangirling
Summary: Once again, you are panicking about university life, but Dan is there to help you through.
Relationships: Dan Howell & You
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	You’re not alone...

**Author's Note:**

> So this was my first ever fic that I posted to tumblr a While back (while i was still actually at uni haha...), I'm thinking of deleting that tumblr soon but I didn't want to delete the fic forever since there were some people who seemed to really like it (I Personally don't love it anymore but it was Extremely therapeutic to me when i wrote it)
> 
> Also there is a full-on description of a panic attack in here, and if that is triggering to you Please Please Please look after yourself and don't read things that make you feel worse.
> 
> Everything from here on is pretty much what I posted to tumblr, with maybe a few changes to some sentences that did not make sense at all if I can be bothered...

It’s happened again. It’s Sunday night. You were supposed to get your shit together this weekend. This was going to be the week, you had told yourself. This week I’ll get my life together. This week I will be a functional human being. One who sleeps at night and eats three meals a day. Who keeps hydrated and generally cares about personal hygiene enough to change out of their pyjamas. Most importantly, one who doesn’t neglect every responsibility they have for days on end, only to get to 11:00pm on a Sunday night and realise the mistake they’ve made.

Your mind and heartbeat seem to be competing to see which can race faster. Your vision starts to black out as you lean against a wall and sink to the floor. You begin to go numb as you hyperventilate, trapped in your own panic. You shove your thumb in your mouth in an attempt to simultaneously stop the overflow of oxygen and feel anything external. You bite down hard as tears stream down your cheeks. You think you hear something. Someone's talking? Maybe? It’s hard to tell... The white noise in your head drowns out almost everything around you. Someone is definitely here, but you can’t move to see. You feel a shadow move over you and somewhere in the distance, a muffled, “Hey, can I sit?”

You manage a small nod, and feel Dan take a seat next to you. His hand hovers over yours, now covered in your own tears and teeth mark. “Can I hold your hand? Will that help?”

A squeek and a nod is all you can manage through your sobs, but that's enough as Dan gently takes your hand and squeezes it in his own. You squeeze back in response, grateful for the physical contact to bring your attention outside of your still racing mind. 

He sits with you for a while, never letting go of your hand. Occasionally he reassures you with a gentle “you’re gonna be okay,” and stroking your hand with his thumb. Slowly, you regain control of your lungs and slow your breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. You're exhausted as your senses begin to return, and you collapse, crying onto Dan’s lap. He strokes your back gently, every touch calming you, bringing you closer to reality. 

You slowly sit up and look at Dan. “Do you need anything?” he asks, looking into your eyes, “Water? Blankets? Chocolate?”

“Water, please?” you whisper. 

Dan looks at you with a concerned expression. “I don’t want to just leave you here, do you mind if I pick you up and take you to the living room?”

You manage a small smile, “Sure”

Gently, he places an arm under your legs and another around your torso. You wrap your arms around his shoulders in an attempt to make his job easier, although you’re still quite weak so this doesn’t do very much. 

He carries you to the living room and puts you down gently on the couch. He grabs a cushion and places it under your head as you lie down, and drapes a blanket over you. 

“Cosy?” he asks.

“Very, thanks,” you mumble.

“I’m just going to go to the kitchen and I’ll be back in a second.”

You nod and try a smile. 

Before you know it, (whether it was fast or you're still just out of it) Dan returns with a tall glass of water, a colourful straw and a box of tissues. You manage to sit up a bit against the arm of the couch to drink, but before you can grab the glass Dan says, "Here, let me." He crouches down next to your head so you don’t have to look up and hands you the glass. You extend a shaky hand and grasp the straw to take a sip.

“Hey,” he smiles up at you.

“Hey,” you whisper back

“Do you mind if I sit up there?”

You realise that you're still taking up the entire couch with your legs. “Go for it, sorry...”

“It’s okay, I’ll sit here?” he asks, pointing next to you as you move legs off the couch and lean into the sofa arm. You nod gently. “Are hugs helpful right now?” You answer his question by leaning gently into his shoulder. He gently wraps arm around your shoulders as you place your arm on his chest. You can hear his breathing, slow and calm, and you slowly sync your own shuddering breath with his. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dan asks after a while. “You don’t have to obviously, but if it will help…”

“I’m a piece of shit,” you whisper into his chest, feeling tears form again.

“Hey, what the heck you’re not. Don’t for a second believe that. You are worth so much. You’re an amazing human being who-”

“An amazing human being who has spent the past two days sitting around doing literally nothing, while every other human on the planet is getting shit done with their lives. And now I’m going to have to go to class in the morning, completely unprepared, and try not to have yet another panic attack in the hall. Why am I even doing uni anyway, I should just drop out like you did and then I wouldn’t have to deal with this constant stress and pressure to do well. But I can’t do that because then what will I do; I have literally nothing to fall back on.”

You sit in silence for a minute, “I just want everything to stop while I fix myself. Sorry for shouting...”

“It’s okay, really, don’t worry,” he says. “Just give me a sec to think about what you said, so I might possibly say something helpful.”

You nod and sink back onto Dan, leaning into him while he thinks.

“I still maintain that you’re not a piece of shit.” he says, breaking the silence. “And I’ll tell you why. You are one of the smartest, coolest, most amazing people I’ve ever had the privilege to have in my life. You could literally do anything you want to do. I’ve seen you do it. If you put your mind to doing something there is literally no stopping you.”

“But, I don’t know what to do in the first place Dan…” You say, leaning back on the arm of the sofa in defeat.

“I mean I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers, obviously. But, your life is still your life. Even though it might not feel like it, you are in control of it.”

“That’s probably what scares me the most, what if I’m always like this, no matter what I choose? What if I never find anything I actually enjoy? What if I’m too scared to ever try?”

Dan gently turns your face up to look at him. “As your friend, it is my obligation to support your choices whatever they are. If you choose to stay at uni and get your degree, I will help you study. If you choose to leave uni and become a rap artist, I will be your hype man. If you choose to make it your life goal to be the best pastry chef in all of England I will be your taste tester. Even if you try all of those things and a million more, I will be here by your side. You never have to do this alone. You’re stuck with me”

He smiles, and you find yourself smiling back. 

“Thank you,” you whisper, tears forming yet again, but this time out of relief. 

“Tissue?” Dan replies, picking up the box and offering one to you. 

“Yeah, thanks,” you laugh. You gently dab away the tears as they form. “I think I’ll go clean myself up, be back in a minute.”

Dan smiles, “I’ll be right here.”

You drag yourself to the bathroom with the blanket draped over your shoulders. Whilst you find a flannel, you run the hot tap to warm the water. A bath would be nice, but a simple warm face wash is about all you can manage after the emotional rollercoaster ride you’ve just been on. 

When you’re satisfied you look like a person again, and not a puffy, red-faced, drippy-nosed creature, you walk back to the living room and snuggle back up to Dan on the sofa. 

“I’ve put The Princess Bride into the player if you want to watch?”

“A classic,” you mumble, “go ahead.” You’re struggling to keep your eyes open at this point, but you’re always up for tale of adventure, revenge, miracles and of course, true love.

“As you wish,” Dan says as he grabs the remote and presses play.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay the ending is cringe and maybe also the beginning and middle, but re-reading it and editing parts was so cathartic, I hope it helped someone reading it too c:


End file.
